An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and Paddy the Irishman were flying together in an airliner. The captain announced that due to the failure of one of the engines they were rapidly losing altitude and that one of them would have to jump out to save the others. "I do this for the glory of Scotland!" said the Scot and he jumped out. "We need to lose more weight," cried the captain, so the Welshman shouted as he jumped, "I do this for the glory of Wales!" "Sorry," said the captain. "I'm afraid we need to lose more weight." "I do this for the glory of Ireland!" said Paddy the Irishman as he threw the Englishman from the plane.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were boasting about how famous their uncles were.
"My uncle is a bishop," said The Englishman, "and when he walks down the street, everybody says, 'Your Lordship.'"
"My uncle is a cardinal," said The Scotsman, "and when he walks down The street everybody says, 'Your Eminence.'"
"My uncle," said The Irishman, "weighs twenty-seven stone, and when he walks down the street everybody says, 'God Almighty!'"
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman each placed a bid for a big government construction job. "I'll do it for 30 million," said the Englishman. "How is that figure broken down?" asked the civil servant in charge of the scheme. "10 million for the labor, 10 million for the materials and 10 million for me," said the Englishman. The Scotsman was called in next and said, "I'll do the job for 60 million. That's 20 million for the labor, 20 million for the materials and 20 million for me." "Right," said the Irishman who found out the Englishman's bid. "My bid is for 90 million. That's 30 million for you, 30 million for me, and we'll give the other 30 million to the Englishman to do the job."
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all went to the pub together. The Englishman spent $50.00, the Irishman spent $100.00 and the Scotsman spent a very pleasant evening indeed.
At an pub in Glasgow a wealthy tourist announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the pub a Scott shouted, “I’ll give £150!”