There were three restaurants on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City." The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World." On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."
One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furiously, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test. The student asked, "Do you know who I am?" The prof said, "No and I don't care." The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?" The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air. "Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student:"I walk. You walk .... "
The teacher interrupts him: "Quicker please."
The student: "I run. You run."
A student, who is studying English as a foreign language, was confused when he saw the words "open here" on a box of laundry soap, so he asks the clerk, "Can't I wait until I get home to open it?"
Q: What is as big as a horse but doesn't weigh anything? A: The horse's shadow.
Q: What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it? A: Teapot.
Q: Do you know why birds fly to south in the winter? A: Because it's too far to walk!
News Stand A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
Patient: "Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say."
Doctor: "Next, please!"
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?"
Headmaster: "I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?"
Johnny: "Nothing, sir."
A: "Hey, man! Please call me a taxi."
B: "Yes, sir. You are a taxi."
"I was born in California."
"All of me."
Teacher: "Do you have trouble making decisions?"
Student: "Well...yes and no."
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
A person who speaks two languages is bilingual... A person who speaks three languages is trilingual... A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual. What is a person who speaks one language? An American.