Hilarious English

 Funny Tale of a Lost Senior Citizen

  When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He told me, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I continued, "Well, then why are you crying?" He added, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours." I inquired, "Well then, why in the world would you be crying?" He replied, "I can't remember where I live."

  Lesson in Employee Relationship

  Fred Gibbs was in his early 60's, retired and had started a second career in catering. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 2, 3, 5 minutes late. However, he was a good worker, really clever, so the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Steve into the office for a talk. "Fred, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you're being late so often is quite a worry." "Yes, I realise that, sir, and I am working on it." replied Fred. "I'm pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?" They said, "Good morning, Admiral".

  Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

  A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?" "Wrong number," replied the girl.

  Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: But I asked first!

  Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me? Son: No.

  "Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?" "No, I'm sorry I don't." "Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."

  PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?" TEACHER:" Of course not." PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."

  A: Why are all those people running? B: They are running a race to get a cup. A: Who will get the cup? B: The person who wins. A: Then why are all the others running?

  Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself.

  A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation? B: Yes, of course. A: Great! I never could before!

  Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

  One day an English grammar teacher was looking ill. A student asked, "What's the matter?" "Tense," answered the teacher, describing how he felt. The student paused, then continued, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter... ?"

  Q: Which is faster, heat or cold? A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.

  Q: What's the difference between electricity and lightening? A: You don't have to pay for lightening.

  Q: What's the difference between a TEACHER and a CONDUCTOR ? A: A teacher TRAINS the MIND and a conductor MINDS the TRAIN.

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