Awesome
English

 An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and Paddy the Irishman were flying together in an airliner. The captain announced that due to the failure of one of the engines they were rapidly losing altitude and that one of them would have to jump out to save the others. "I do this for the glory of Scotland!" said the Scot and he jumped out. "We need to lose more weight," cried the captain, so the Welshman shouted as he jumped, "I do this for the glory of Wales!" "Sorry," said the captain. "I'm afraid we need to lose more weight." "I do this for the glory of Ireland!" said Paddy the Irishman as he threw the Englishman from the plane.

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were boasting about how famous their uncles were.

"My uncle is a bishop," said The Englishman, "and when he walks down the street, everybody says, 'Your Lordship.'"

"My uncle is a cardinal," said The Scotsman, "and when he walks down The street everybody says, 'Your Eminence.'"

"My uncle," said The Irishman, "weighs twenty-seven stone, and when he walks down the street everybody says, 'God Almighty!'"

 

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman each placed a bid for a big government construction job. "I'll do it for 30 million," said the Englishman. "How is that figure broken down?" asked the civil servant in charge of the scheme. "10 million for the labor, 10 million for the materials and 10 million for me," said the Englishman. The Scotsman was called in next and said, "I'll do the job for 60 million. That's 20 million for the labor, 20 million for the materials and 20 million for me." "Right," said the Irishman who found out the Englishman's bid. "My bid is for 90 million. That's 30 million for you, 30 million for me, and we'll give the other 30 million to the Englishman to do the job."

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all went to the pub together. The Englishman spent $50.00, the Irishman spent $100.00 and the Scotsman spent a very pleasant evening indeed.

 

At an pub in Glasgow a wealthy tourist announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the pub a Scott shouted, “I’ll give £150!”

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Just Hilarious
English

There were three restaurants on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City." The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World." On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."


One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furiously, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test. The student asked, "Do you know who I am?" The prof said, "No and I don't care." The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?" The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air. "Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.

 


The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student:"I walk. You walk .... "
The teacher interrupts him: "Quicker please."
The student: "I run. You run."

 


A student, who is studying English as a foreign language, was confused when he saw the words "open here" on a box of laundry soap, so he asks the clerk, "Can't I wait until I get home to open it?"

 


Q: What is as big as a horse but doesn't weigh anything? A: The horse's shadow.


Q: What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it? A: Teapot.


Q: Do you know why birds fly to south in the winter? A: Because it's too far to walk!

 

News Stand A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

 

School Question
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

 


A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"

 

 


Patient: "Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say."
Doctor: "Next, please!"

 

 


Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?"

 


Headmaster: "I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?"
Johnny: "Nothing, sir."
Headmaster: "Exactly."

 

 

A: "Hey, man! Please call me a taxi."
B: "Yes, sir. You are a taxi."

 

 


"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."

 

 


Teacher: "Do you have trouble making decisions?"
Student: "Well...yes and no."

 


If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

 


A person who speaks two languages is bilingual... A person who speaks three languages is trilingual... A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual. What is a person who speaks one language? An American.

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Hilarious English
English

 Funny Tale of a Lost Senior Citizen


  When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He told me, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I continued, "Well, then why are you crying?" He added, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours." I inquired, "Well then, why in the world would you be crying?" He replied, "I can't remember where I live."

  Lesson in Employee Relationship


  Fred Gibbs was in his early 60's, retired and had started a second career in catering. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 2, 3, 5 minutes late. However, he was a good worker, really clever, so the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Steve into the office for a talk. "Fred, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you're being late so often is quite a worry." "Yes, I realise that, sir, and I am working on it." replied Fred. "I'm pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?" They said, "Good morning, Admiral".


  Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.


  A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?" "Wrong number," replied the girl.

  Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: But I asked first!


  Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me? Son: No.


  "Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?" "No, I'm sorry I don't." "Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."


  PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?" TEACHER:" Of course not." PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."


  A: Why are all those people running? B: They are running a race to get a cup. A: Who will get the cup? B: The person who wins. A: Then why are all the others running?


  Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself.

  A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation? B: Yes, of course. A: Great! I never could before!


  Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.


  One day an English grammar teacher was looking ill. A student asked, "What's the matter?" "Tense," answered the teacher, describing how he felt. The student paused, then continued, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter... ?"


  Q: Which is faster, heat or cold? A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.


  Q: What's the difference between electricity and lightening? A: You don't have to pay for lightening.


  Q: What's the difference between a TEACHER and a CONDUCTOR ? A: A teacher TRAINS the MIND and a conductor MINDS the TRAIN.

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Nice to meet you!
English

Hello guys! Nice to meet you! How have you been? 
After some time at the forum, let me introduce myself.

I am an educator, ESL/EFL teacher, researcher, business lady and a language coach. My fields of interest are: Oil and Gas Liquidity and Prices;Ballet, Traditional Chinese Music (instrumental, calm and peaceful); Nature, History, Science, Art, Culture, Design, Literature Museums (especially Ancient); Opera and African Gospel Singing; Programming, Web Design, Linux, Data Analysis and Data Science as well as Vector Art and Graphics; Rhetoric, Psychology of Languages, Philosophy of Languages, Cognition, Identity and Self-Identity; Time, Space and Resources Management and Self-Management; Zero Waste, Clean Eating and Veganism; Logic and Rationalism (especially Moral Foundations of Politics); Linguistics (Pragmalinguistics, Cognitive Linguistics, Forensic Linguistics, etc); Cultural Differences, Mindest and Culture of African indigenous people (Bantu-speaking); KISS and SMART methods in Life and Business; Language Teaching and Learning Approaches.

What about you?

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Detest Rewriting
English

Hello there, guys!

I have a question about tutoring/teaching English as a Second (Foreign) Language.

You know, I don't have much experience in teaching schoolchildren, especially teens and adolescents.

For some weird reason I have become popular in teaching teens, despite I don't know youngsters' psychology and mindset.

The problem I have now is the following: I NEVER force any student to rewrite their homework, even if  there is a great number of mistakes. I just write down ALL of their mistakes, explain them to the student or ask the student to find the mistakes, typos, slips and errors and when my student sees their problems in their homeworks, for the next time I give them a great variety of tasks and they are free to choose which task they would like to do, all of them are intriguing and funny (at least I try to do them funny) but all of them include the problematic zone which was noticed by me and have been explained by me to the student before.

However, when we are talking about school preparation -- the situation is rather different... I have to require to rewrite their homeworks until they are written perfectly because I know the school teacher doesn't care about the student's love for the subject, about their efforts, passion for learning, motivation, etc. In order to help the student to be praised by the school teacher not to have any problems in the future, I have to insist on multiple rewriting of their homeworks because frequently the student did not listen to me at the lesson, was inattentive, or  believes that ready made homeworks  and ready made answers from the internet are more correct than mine, or the student was in a hurry and tried to do everything as soon as possible to get rid of these nasty school tasks and to do what they like in their free time.

I probably know the answer for my question: I need to control every step of the student and double check during the lesson if the teen understands everything perfectly but sometimes it is rather impossible because of shortage of time or because the student pronounces everything in the right way, but when I see their work  on paper, the spelling is awful...

What do you think I need to do?? Check the student's understanding every 5 minutes? Ask them to spell every complicated word?? Or??

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Materials to combine with Grammar Books
English

Is it possible to combine Grammar Books with some short videos, songs, readers, magazines, blogs, short news podcasts, etc?

How to revise vocabulary if the basis for teaching or learning is a grammar book (English)?

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A recipe for a happy class, by David aged 11.
English
My recipe for a happy class

Ingredients:

  • 1 pinch of sharing
  • 1/2 cup of confidence
  • 1 table spoon of enjoyment
  • 6 tea spoons of cheerfulness
  • 5 oz of communication
  • 1/2 kg of good looks
  • 250 g of cooperation
  • 10 g of behaviour
  • 1 kg of discipline
  • 1 really nice teacher (grated)
  • 500ml of kindness

Method:

  1. Mix the confidence, communication and cooperation together in a large bowl.
  2. Add the enjoyment, the cheerfulness and the good looks to the mixture.
  3. Beat together the behaviour, the discipline and add to the mixture.
  4. Bake the cake at 200 Celcius degree in a round tin 15 cm deep and 45cm in diameter for 1 week.
  5. Once the cake is baked, take it out of the oven and sprinkle the teacher on top.
  6. The cake makes 10 helpings.
by David, aged 11.
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How to Use Dice on the Lessons of English
English
1. Use dice to encourage students to choose the activities to practice.

2. Use dice to choose the groups/pairs for students' speaking practice.

3. Use dice in conjunction with book exercises.

4. Use dice to learn verb tenses, irregular verbs, word buidling suffixes, prefixes and words with them (noun, adjectives, verbs, adverbs), antonyms, synonyms, collocations, idioms, phrasal verbs, linking words, set expressions, proverbs, famous people quotations, etc.

5. Use dice for Grammar Board Games.

6. Use dice to choose the level of difficulty in games.

7. Use dice to assign bonus points.

8. Use dice to decide who goes first in presentations.

9. Use dice to encourage students to create sentences.

10. Use dice to encourage students to find out how many more questions they should answer to leave the class.

What kind of other ideas with DICE do you know?
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