A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, but her father was a rather staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her and asked how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA, but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, and she never had time to go out and party. She didn’t have time for a boyfriend and didn’t really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying. He asked, “How is your friend Mary?” She replied that Mary was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA and never studied. She was very popular on campus and went to parties all the time. She often didn’t show up for classes because she was hung over. Dad then asked his daughter why she didn’t go to the dean’s office and have l.o taken off her 4.0 and give it to her friend with the 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA. The daughter angrily fired back, "That wouldn’t be fair! I worked really hard for my grades, and Mary has done nothing." The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican party."
An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and Paddy the Irishman were flying together in an airliner. The captain announced that due to the failure of one of the engines they were rapidly losing altitude and that one of them would have to jump out to save the others. "I do this for the glory of Scotland!" said the Scot and he jumped out. "We need to lose more weight," cried the captain, so the Welshman shouted as he jumped, "I do this for the glory of Wales!" "Sorry," said the captain. "I'm afraid we need to lose more weight." "I do this for the glory of Ireland!" said Paddy the Irishman as he threw the Englishman from the plane.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were boasting about how famous their uncles were.
"My uncle is a bishop," said The Englishman, "and when he walks down the street, everybody says, 'Your Lordship.'"
"My uncle is a cardinal," said The Scotsman, "and when he walks down The street everybody says, 'Your Eminence.'"
"My uncle," said The Irishman, "weighs twenty-seven stone, and when he walks down the street everybody says, 'God Almighty!'"
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman each placed a bid for a big government construction job. "I'll do it for 30 million," said the Englishman. "How is that figure broken down?" asked the civil servant in charge of the scheme. "10 million for the labor, 10 million for the materials and 10 million for me," said the Englishman. The Scotsman was called in next and said, "I'll do the job for 60 million. That's 20 million for the labor, 20 million for the materials and 20 million for me." "Right," said the Irishman who found out the Englishman's bid. "My bid is for 90 million. That's 30 million for you, 30 million for me, and we'll give the other 30 million to the Englishman to do the job."
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all went to the pub together. The Englishman spent $50.00, the Irishman spent $100.00 and the Scotsman spent a very pleasant evening indeed.
At an pub in Glasgow a wealthy tourist announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the pub a Scott shouted, “I’ll give £150!”
There were three restaurants on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City." The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World." On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."
One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furiously, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test. The student asked, "Do you know who I am?" The prof said, "No and I don't care." The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?" The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air. "Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student:"I walk. You walk .... "
The teacher interrupts him: "Quicker please."
The student: "I run. You run."
A student, who is studying English as a foreign language, was confused when he saw the words "open here" on a box of laundry soap, so he asks the clerk, "Can't I wait until I get home to open it?"
Q: What is as big as a horse but doesn't weigh anything? A: The horse's shadow.
Q: What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it? A: Teapot.
Q: Do you know why birds fly to south in the winter? A: Because it's too far to walk!
News Stand A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
Patient: "Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say."
Doctor: "Next, please!"
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?"
Headmaster: "I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?"
Johnny: "Nothing, sir."
A: "Hey, man! Please call me a taxi."
B: "Yes, sir. You are a taxi."
"I was born in California."
"All of me."
Teacher: "Do you have trouble making decisions?"
Student: "Well...yes and no."
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
A person who speaks two languages is bilingual... A person who speaks three languages is trilingual... A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual. What is a person who speaks one language? An American.